Remembering Stage. Some survivors suppress some or all memory of what was done to them. Those who do not forget the actual incidents may forget how they felt at the time or may not fully realise how much the experience has affected them. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling, and understanding the impact abuse has had on your life.

Remembering more details or remembering feelings associated with the abuse/assault can be a very frightening and confusing time. As you remember you will relive the feelings and sometimes the sensations that you had at the time of the assault.

There is a saying that says: The best way to get rid of a feeling is to FEEL IT FULLY.

When we start remembering we are busy getting rid of these feelings by feeling them fully, maybe for the first time since the assault happened. Remembering is different for every survivor. For some survivors it will be remembering the fear, the terror and the pain. For other survivors it will be remembering the pictures of what happened. Others have blocked out entire segments of their childhood, or they might just have fragments of memories during certain segments of their childhood.

Remembering traumatic memories, is not like remembering normal, non-traumatic memories. As the memories return they might seem very distant, like something far away or they might come back in bits and pieces. It might be difficult to place the memories in chronological order, or you might not know what age you were. It might be like putting together a puzzle. In the courage to heal, there is a section entitled, "What we know about memory and traumatic amnesia" on page 74, 75 and 76. This section might help, as well as the entire chapter entitled, "Remembering" from page 70 to 90. The authors say on page 77 that normally when memories of abuse resurface three factors are usually present, these are: "Distance from the original abuse, a life event that leads to the letting down of defenses, and an external situation that restimulates the memory."

External events that can restimulate memories can include:

• When your child is the age you were when you were abused
• The death of a loved one
• Moving out of your parents home
• When you are finally in a relationship that feels safe
• A divorce
• Retirement
• A gynecological exam
• Surgery or other invasive medical procedure
• After breaking an addiction (alcohol, drugs, eating compulsively etc)
• When your first child is bornAfter a traumatic event
• Watching a movie or talk show about abuse

Memories can come back with or without feelings. When the pictures and feelings come together the helplessness, terror and physical pain can be as real as when it was actually happening.

Surviving the emergency stage can feel like the worst time ever.

Here are some suggestions:

• Find a place where you will be safe. If you're at work, try to get home. Go to a safe place in your home.
• Don't fight it. Don't use drugs, alcohol, food, or other distractions to push it back down. Repeatedly numbing your feelings will only prolong the crisis. Remember it's just a memory. Your abuser is not really hurting you in the present, even if it feels that way. Trust that the memory is part of your healing.
• Comfort yourself. The return of memories can leave you feeling vulnerable - take tender care of yourself.
• Expect yourself to have a reaction. It's best to give yourself time and not expect to bounce back right away.
• Join the GROUP for adult survivors of child sexual abuse.
• Start seeing Reinette or Ruth.
• Join an online discussion group as well.
• Read Faith Allen's post: Positive Coping Tools for Healing from Childhood Abuse.
• Call a crisisline and talk to someone: Reinette 083 484 9409, Suicide Line 0800 567 567, Life Line 0861 322 322.
• Breathe
• Make a list of 101 reasons to stay alive...it may take a while to find the reasons, but if you only put down real reasons to heal, then even if you only get 2...that is 2 real reasons. Keep working on the list.
• Relax and read these little stories.
• Laugh a little
• Get creative. Painting, sculpting or other creative pursuits can be ways of working through and expressing emotions and of gaining insight and self-awareness.
• Seeking the support of caring friends or family members
• Writing in a journal (this can be a great outlet for emotions and can increase self-awareness and understanding). Let everything come out on a piece of paper (even if you burn the paper afterwards - get it out of YOU).
• Give yourself permission to do nothing- there may be times when the healthiest thing you can do is nothing- put the healing on hold and lay low. Time outs can be just as legitimate as active steps.
• Developing and following a regular spiritual practice (reading, meditation, daily prayer, etc.)
• In times of emotional crisis or upset, ask for help. Friends, family, Reinette 083 484 9409, Suicide Line 0800 567 567, Life Line 0861 322 322.
• Stroke a pet.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Breathe
• Do something that calms you - take a hot bath, cook, clean, draw, shop, whatever it is that calms you.
• Do physical excercise - run around the block, go to gym, weed the garden.
• Keep a list of support numbers and keep the numbers with you: Friends, family,Reinette 083 484 9409, Suicide Line 0800 567 567, Life Line 0861 322 322.
• Watch a movie.
• Make your own list, especially for you - call it: THINGS TO DO WHEN I'M DESPERATE.

There is healing – you reach out and claim it.

(The counsellors at Rape Crisis totally understand how this journey can be triggering and take you step-by-step through the process, also encouraging you to join a support GROUP. Many survivors find it difficult to see a counsellor or join the support group and do so only AS they can handle it, others start using these resources as quickly as they can. The best way is to discuss this with a counsellor. We do however recommend that you have support during the time that you face and think about these issues. You have dealt with this alone for so many years and you cannot heal on your own. Please also consider buying the book entitled The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (CLICK HERE) which deals with this extensively to help you through this time. Counsellor options are available to you. 

In the book The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, they have a chapter entitled, "Survival skills for healing," and they write, "Healing is demanding work. It disrupts your old ways of coping; brings up deep pain, fear, and grief; and requires that you make profound changes in your life. When you are in the throes of healing from child sexual abuse, it is especially important to be kind to yourself. Yet a common side effect of child sexual abuse is insensitivity to our own needs and a lack of awareness about self-care, so one of the first challenges we face in the healing process is the need to develop a new survival skill: how to nurture ourselves." We agree whole-heartedly. You need to be gentle with YOU.