Don't Kill Yourself (p.36 & 37 from The Courage To Heal)

I've been very suicidal in the process of remembering, to the point where I've had to say to myself, "You will not go to certain places because you couldn't resist the urge." I felt like the last things in my life that were important and gave me strength had been devastated. So there wasn't anything to look forward to. It's only been in the last few months that I've started to make plans again. Which means I've decided I want to live.

Sometimes you feel so bad, you want to die. The pain is so great, your feelings of self-loathing so strong, the fear so intense, or you are weary of the battle that you really don't want to live. These are your authentic feelings, and it is important not to deny them. It is also essential not to act on them. It's okay to feel as devastated as you feel. It's just not okay to hurt yourself.

We have lost far too many women already. Far too many victims - both adults and children - have lacked adequate support and, out of despair, have killed themselves. We can't afford to lose more. We can't afford to lose you. You deserve to live. Read the chapter in The Courage To Heal on anger if you can (see p.136). You have been taught to turn that anger inward. When you feel so bad that you want to die, there's anger inside you that you need to refocus towards the person or people who hurt you so badly as a child. As you get in touch with that anger, your fear and self-hatred will dissipate. You will want to sustain your life, not destroy it.

All of this takes time. In the meantime, don't kill yourself. Get help. If the first help isn't helpful, get other help. Don't give up. When you feel bad enough to want to die, it's hard to imagine that you could ever feel any other way. But you can. And will. As one survivor wrote in her journal:

"I HATE LIFE! I hate myself! I hate what I do to myself. I want to crawl into the dark earth and cover myself up. I hate that I need to remember! That I need to go through the abuse over and over again in order to let it go and find life. Why should I want to live again? How do I know it won't just be more pain? How can anyone expect me to continue working toward something so unknown and intangible? And yet I do. There is something inside me that must have incredible strength, because it has survived three major suicide attempts and lots of disillusioned and desperate times. And it's still there, keeping me going, making me work, urging me to remember and fight the guilt, to get angry, to cry, to feel, and share...and share...and share! Pushing me on towards that unknown which they call life."

If you start feeling suicidal or compelled to hurt yourself, get help right away. When you are struggling with suicidal feelings, it's important to have the support of a capable therapist. And make sure that you have the number of a suicide prevention hotline before you need it. Keep that number along with your therapist's number in an obvious and easily accessible place where you can find it even when you are distressed.

It's also essential to make a no-suicide contract with your counselor. Work out the terms of the contract together so that it's very clear and you both can rely on it. For example, you promise to call your therapist if you are not certain that you can keep yourself safe. Then you agree to wait until she or he calls back, regardless of how long it takes. If a great deal of times goes by, call again because it's always possible that your message wasn't received. Your therapist promises to call back as soon as she gets the message. If you can't stay safe in the meantime, you agree that you will go to a hospital, call suicide prevention, or get other help while you wait for your therapist's call. This agreement, when both of you promise to keep it, provides a secure safety net. It also fosters trust and partnership in the alliance you are building together. If your therapist will not agree to such a contract, find another one as soon as possible.

The important thing to know is that the feelings will pass. You may think that the feelings will consume you, will be absolutely unbearable. But you can learn to wait them out. It's like a difficult childbirth. The laboring woman thinks that she can't handle another contraction, but she can. And then it passes.

Each time you are able to bear the pain of your feelings without hurting yourself, each time you are able to keep safe, to reach out for help, to befriend yourself through the anguish, you have built up a little more of the warrior spirit. You have fought the brainwashing of the abusers and won the battle. You have not let them destroy you.